The Men's Pedicure: End of Civilization?

Or the best way of putting culture on the right foot?

Alaric, King of the Visigoths, with Rome’s nail salons in his sights…

So: earlier today I found myself sitting in the raised luxury chair at Angel Tips.

That’s the nail salon.

Where I was getting a pedicure.

Now, I could blame my wife for forcing me to go, etc. etc.

But who would I be kidding?

The second my feet hit the hot water,

And the back massage mechanism in the raised luxury chair kicked in…

I was hooked.

The back massage mechanism must be Number 1 on any thinking person’s list of Man’s Defining Inventions.

Edison invented the light bulb. And kudos to him.

But I’d be happy to read by candlelight, as long as I could sit in the raised luxury chair at Angel Tips and experience the deep kneading of my lower lumbar region by hands that never get tired.

The men’s pedicure, however, is not without its anxieties.

One worries, for example, if, centuries hence, when historians write The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization, that they will opine: “And we mark the decline of the West at the point when men began to get pedicures.

“Something analogous happened, of course, in the decline of the Roman Empire. Emperors Nero and Claudius started to get regular pedicures.

“And look what happened.

“Do you think Alaric, King of the Visigoths, cared about his toenails? Not very likely. He just wanted to sack Rome.”

Then again, maybe I’m thinking about this all wrong.

Maybe the men’s pedicure is exactly what this culture needs.

Didn’t the wise man say: “leisure is the basis of culture”?

And what better leisure is there than the pedicure?

First, there’s all the wonderful oils and creams they use—like the contents of every squirt tube from the salad bar slathered onto your feet and shins.

Then there’s the little scrub brush that tickles and makes you laugh—releasing joyous endorphins and exfoliating the skin.

And don’t even get me started on the hot rocks treatment.

After my pedicure was over, I stood up and my feet felt…so good.

You know how a haircut makes you feel lighter? A pedicure makes you feel bouncier. Like you could run the Boston Marathon in your bare feet. Backwards.

I felt such a warm sensation of well-being.

As if I had become more or less one with the Universe.

Finely attuned to all the Beauty of Reality.

In a word: Grounded.

Maybe the problem with our culture is, we men need more pedicures?  

In Xenophon’s Memorabilia, Socrates chastises a young man named Epigenes, who’s let himself get a bit flabby:

“Besides, it is a disgrace to grow old through sheer carelessness before seeing what manner of man you might become by developing your bodily strength and beauty to their highest limit.”

Do you ever see Socrates pictured with socks on? Of course not. He preferred sandals so that he could show off his pedicure.  

He goes on to Epigenes:

“Why, even in the process of thinking, in which the use of the body seems to be reduced to a minimum, it is matter of common knowledge that grave mistakes may often be traced to bad health.”

Grave mistakes! says the sage of Athens. Grave mistakes may be made in our thinking if we don’t pay attention to our health!

Ladies and Gentlemen, if Socrates is right, then our very pursuit of truth is hanging by a toenail.

Waiting for his appointment to begin, Socrates enjoys a back massage at Angel Tips-Athens

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